Boobie Lady 103 - A Match Made In Orient Town

April 24, 2015

Prologue
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Narrator: Litchi Faye-Ling's clinic. Litchi herself tends to an injured man.

Litchi: And what, pray tell, brought about such a painful misfortune? It looks more like a fight than an accident.

Injured Man: Damn right, it was a fight! Namely with some four-eyed kid whack-job dressed like a magician accompanied by a friggin' ~robot~!

Litchi: A bespectacled boy dressed like a magician, and a robot-like entity made to look like a woman?

Injured Man: How the hell do you know that much about them? They friends of yours?

Litchi: In fact, they are. You must've done something bad, only for them to catch you.

Injured Man: Wait, what?

Litchi: The boy and his sister are vigilantes, like me and Tao.

Injured Man: Now that you mention it, he tended to refer to Dame-Droid 9000 as "sis".

Litchi: I know how that sounds; I simply take his word for it. (finishes patching up her patient) Anyway, no more committing crimes, okay?

Injured Man, sweat drop: Yeah. No more crimes. Gotcha.
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The Whole Marcos Show presents...

BOOBIE LADY

*BlazBlue gets twisted into a wacky mess by the eccentric mind behind "Fisticuff Wings" and "Not Very Final"*

Season 1
Episode 3
A Match Made In Orient Town
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Scene 1
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The clinic, still.

Taokaka: Holy chance encounter, Boobie Lady. Tao can't believe that stupid crook came across Shorty, meow!

Litchi: I bet he's probably wishing he met those two under ~much better circumstances~.

Linhua, offscreen: Dr. Faye-Ling, you have a visitor.

Noel then approaches Litchi and Tao.

Noel: So, Carl happens to be the reason for your most recent patient, huh?

Litchi, ^_^: That's right. Though he's quite young, you two actually went to school together, right?

Noel: Yeah. One of my other friends even took one heck of a liking to him. I still remember it all like it was only yesterday.

Litchi: Anyway, has he ever, well...?

Noel: Well what?

Litchi: You know, take one heck of a liking to ~you~.

Noel, blushing: What?! No! Even if he did, I wouldn't even take it seriously!

Taokaka: Why not, Lacking Lady? Did this other friend you mentioned even have her affection returned?

Noel: Of course not! Carl never showed any romantic interest whatsoever! Why do you think that the only female he ever concerns himself with is his sister?

Litchi: Well, ~you're~ not actively dating anyone, either, so it's not like it's too late.

Noel: You said yourself that Carl is - in exact words - "quite young". Then, there's the fact that I'm not exactly the same age.

Taokaka: Nyeah, so?

Noel, tension knots all over: Me, late teens! Carl, ~having yet to reach goddamn puberty!~ There's a reason such couples aren't so abundant! Well, not when it comes to the high profile, anyway.

Litchi: You two would ~still~ make a cute couple; it would even partially negate Carl's weirdness.

Noel: Only because ~I'd~ become the weird one as a direct result. (approaches and lays hands on a nearby table) Ugh, this is ~so~ not why I dropped by.

Litchi, fetching Noel some tea: Just relax and think nothing of it. If you'd rather you and Carl remain friends and nothing beyond, who are ~we~ to force otherwise? (to Tao) Tao?

Taokaka: Tao knyows - seek out Shor--- (Litchi puts hands on Tao's mouth) mmph!

Litchi, tension knot: (under breath) you want her to hear our secret plan?
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Scene 2
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Outside. Tao eventually finds Carl and his "sister". Indeed, he happens to wear glasses and dresses like a magician, complete with a cape!

Carl: Hey, look, Sis; it's Tao!

Taokaka: Holy small world, Shorty. I was just looking for mew.

Carl: So, what manner of business do you have in mind with us?

Taokaka: To tell the truth, Tao needs only ~mew~.

Carl: Why shouldn't Ada come?

Taokaka: Well...

Carl: You can leave her in the clinic, but if she's with all the wrong company, you'll both regret it!

Taokaka: In other words, we have a deal. (XD) Wonderful, meow!
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Scene 3
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A nearby restaurant. Litchi reveals to Noel that she invited her there for dinner.

Noel: It's really nice of you to treat me for dinner. You even paid for both of us in advance, though I ~do~ wonder how that's even possible.

Litchi: Don't worry about it, just let the waiter escort you to the table and enjoy yourself.

As Noel is brought to her table, her grin starts to falter as she discovers that the person sitting on the opposite side isn't Litchi.

Carl: Noel?

Noel: You have ~got~ to be kidding me.

Carl: I was wondering why Tao would rather I come here alone.

Noel, sitting down: I just can't believe I let Miss Litchi trick me into dating you?

Carl: What? This is a date? An actual date between a boy and a girl? But I haven't ever---!

Noel, thin eyes: I already told her. Turns out she'd rather give a crap in her pants than give a crap, ~period~. (opens and views menu) The least we can do at this point is make the most of this encounter.
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Scene 4
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Noel and Carl have now left the restaurant.

Noel: Well, ~dinner~ wasn't bad.

Carl: I, too, enjoyed what ~I~ had. I'd better get to the clinic and go back to my sister.

Before the two even part ways, mountain-shaped walls of ice rise all around them.

Noel: Oh, no. Of all the people to come across during this humiliating display, ~why the Major?!~

Carl: Major? You mean ~Jin~?

Jin, offscreen: (surprisingly calm) No; she means Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. OF COURSE SHE [bleep] MEANS JIN!

The ice walls then shatter, revealing Jin himself, who - before long - has a quizzical look on his face from seeing Noel with Carl in place of the latter's so-called older sister.

Jin: Carl? The [bleep]? Don't tell me you two are---.

Noel: Not our idea. At least wait 'til we get it over with.

Jin: NOT A CHANCE!!!

Jin then swings his sheath with enough force to knock both Noel and Carl next to a dumpster ("SLAM!").

Carl, getting up: Ugh, remind me to have Ada take Miss Litchi and Tao and ~bash their heads together~, for we also have them to thank for ~her absence here~.

Noel: Believe me, Carl; they'll most certainly get what-the-hell-for.

Jin, approaching the two: Y'know, I'm contemplating some salmon Caesar salad later. And you know what? After I slice your face off, I might as well chop it to shreds, sprinkle it all over that salad, AND EAT IT!!!!!

Taokaka suddenly lands on top of Jin and covers up his eyes.

Taokaka: Holy leatherlung, Icy Man*! Tao wouldn't be surprised if entire ~city blocks~ happen to hear your voice, meow!

(*Not to be confused with "Iceman")

Jin then throws Tao off of him ("THUD!").

Jin: You! From the clinic! Don't bother asking about that Santa suit*, because I've already incinerated that [bleep].

(*See the previous episode)

Taokaka: Boobie Lady probably already bought a replacement, anyway.

Tao's claws and Jin's Yukianesa then clash with one another for a bit. Noel sees this as a wide-open opportunity to put him in a pincer attack.

Noel: Time to go to work, Bolverk.

A pair of long-barreled pistols then appear in her hands. And launches Optic Barrels at Jin ("BLAM").

Jin: Ugh! Lovely, you're giving the cat some [bleep] help.

Noel: You always were a nuisance, Jin Kisaragi. That's right! ~You're no longer my superior!~

Jin: In that case, the [bleep] you gonna do? ~Arrest me~?*

(*"You're no longer my superior, Jin Kisaragi! You're under arrest!" - Noel, when both halves of her Nemesis Stabilizer hit Jin in both "Calamity Trigger" and "Continuum Shift")

Taokaka: And have mew bailed out mere minutes in? Tao doesn't think the Lacking Lady would risk such a royal rip, meow.

Noel, to Jin: Tao's right. I wouldn't arrest ~you~; (to Tao) I would arrest YOU for ALWAYS TALKING SMACK ABOUT MY FIGURE! (back to Jin) But that's a different matter altogether.

Taokaka, ditto: In other words, it's either dunk or deliver, (she and Noel cock back fists from Jin's POV) and we both choose (both punch Jin) DUNK!* ("BY DUNK, SHE MEANS PUNCH!")

(*"Dunk or deliver?" "Dunk!" - Swat Kats episode "The Giant Bacteria"; said by T-Bone and both T-Bone and Razor, respectively)

Jin, covering nose: Ugh! Mother[bleep]. (reaching for Yukianesa) Why I oughtta...

Taokaka: ME~~~(kicks Yukianesa away from Jin)OW!

Jin: Asshole!

Noel's guns then fuse into a mortar cannon, which she promptly fires.

Jin: A mortar? Isn't that a tad overkill?

Noel: It's a ~homing~ mortar, Major, and I didn't fire it at ~you~.
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Scene 5
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Elsewhere in the city.

Litchi, thin eyes: I could have sworn I said something about you not committing any more crimes.

Petty Crook: Dammit all! I ~knew~ you looked familiar!*

(*It's the injured man from the prologue! ^_^)

The petty crook then sees something falling from the sky.

Petty Crook: What the hell is that up there?

Litchi: I'm not falling for that.

Petty Crook: You're right. ~That~ is falling for ~you~. (runs off)

Litchi, finally turning to see what the petty crook saw: What the hell is ~that~ supposed to---? (recognizing it as Bolverk's mortar round; blinks twice) Touché, Noel.

The mortar round then lands on Litchi with a mighty explosion ("KA-BOOM"). After the smoke clears, she is shown all covered in soot, glasses in a comically crooked position.

Litchi: Guess those lovebirds are better off as anything but, after all. (falling backwards) Ugh.

An audible thud then sounds ("NO KIDDING, TOOTS!").

Narrator: Looks like Litchi's attempt at matchmaking didn't go very well, and not because of Jin Kisaragi's interference. What other uncanny situation? will both she and Taokaka come upon? Find out next time. Same boobie time! Same boobie channel!

END

Boobie Lady series is copyright 2014, 2015 The Whole Marcos Show. All rights reserved. BlazBlue, Litchi Faye-Ling, Taokaka, Jin Kisaragi, Noel Vermillion, Linhua, and Carl Clover are copyright 2009, 2015 Arc System Works. All rights reserved.